I recently started seeing/hearing all these ads for Dr. Pepper Ten. It’s for men. It has 10 “manly” calories, contains real sugar and somehow maintains all 23 secret ingredients that give the original, and diet, their unique, indescribable flavor. Men supposedly don’t like drinking diet soda, they don’t like the stigma attached to drinking a “lady” drink. Try telling that to all the bros I serve, catch checking themselves out at the gym and see ordering vodka diets while trying to pick me up (okay, so some of them are gay, but they are still men, are they not?).
I love Dr. Pepper ads. What’s it taste like? A satisfying diet soda that tastes like regular? Unbelievable! Why, I’d sooner believe that mermen take turns spearing the Tooth Fairy on unicorns with their magical, dolphin-like penises. Dr. Pepper ads are funny. And the latest campaign is no different. Do people seriously believe that the creators of this ad really think that women will shy away from drinking it because it’s marketed towards men?
How well has that worked in the past? Let’s see… my little sister wears Old Spice deodorant. Not even the least interesting men I know drink Dos Equis. Keystone Light (light?! That’s not manly) is gross, but even I’ll drink it. No one really likes Miller Lite (again with the light? I thought men weren’t supposed to be into that. But I guess that’s the point of the ads in the first place, huh? We’re gonna make you think you need to like this shit), but I’ll take a man card for drinking my weight in them at baseball/football tailgates. I, like everyone else in the free world, love Snickers, regardless of hunger pangs (not to mention women particularly like them when they’re perioding. Whatcha think about that, Mars?). Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Really?
I get a kick out of all the sexist machismo. I don’t take it seriously. But then I heard that one of the several reasons Dr. Pepper Ten isn’t for women is because “women don’t blog about bacon…” And that did it. So here you go, Dr. Pepper, I hope this makes you happy.
Reasons I love bacon:
- It’s delicious. ‘Nuff said.
- Everything is better with bacon. You can wrap other meat in it, not to mention water chestnuts (and let’s face it, no one would eat those crunchy bastards if you couldn’t drape them in delicious pork fat).
- You can deep fry it, poke it onto a stick and dip it in chocolate (I have never been so proud to be a Wisconsinite…).
- Even ice cream is better with bacon. For real.
- Pigs are smart, so eating them makes you smart, too.
- It is clinically proven to cure hangovers. Cheers.
- It has protein to make you strong, fat to make it delicious and an odor that would make even the most devout veghead slash a swine’s throat.
- Bacon can help you lose weight (over time and only if you don’t go overboard there, piggy). I know, mind blown.
- It has omega-3 fatty acids, monounsaturated fats AND vitamins A, C and E. All good things, I’m told.
- It’s good for your unborn baby. Sacrificing one life for another keeps the world in even rotation. If you don’t eat it, the world will end.
- God likes bacon. Trump card, y’all.
Back to the original subject… I hope Dr. Pepper keeps the ads coming. I get a kick out of them, and so do a lot of other people I know. And they must be doing something right when so many people are talking about them. Love them or hate them, they are right where they’re supposed to be: in your mouth and on your brain. But they better just keep it fun, keep it light, because I don’t drink diet soda, I love bacon, and I am, above all, a lady.