New Year’s Resolutions are bullshit. Seriously. And don’t pretend like you don’t agree, New Year Resoluter. It’s the same every year – that first, magical day of your latest, greatest year ever looms around the corner, peeking out, anxiously waiting to pounce on your face like my fat, naughty cats. It’s a new year, so you have to do something special, right?! Wrong! Again, seriously, people. Now if you want to get literal, with each new dawn brings a new day (that has to be true – it’s been sung about and quoted to death). Are you following me? If you need a new digit in the date to get off your keester and make your life more livable, why not start with today?
Let’s go through some of the top new year’s resolutions (in no particular order) that are never-changing…
Number One (can you even guess?!): Lose weight (which I think should be lumped in with getting fit). This could be cutting back on snacking, joining a gym, hopping on the latest diet craze bandwagon, buckling down with an eating disorder… you know, whatever gets the pounds off for the first month or two of the year before yo-yoing back into the old routine of wishing the pounds away.
Because that is what will inevitably happen. So many gyms offer no joining fees, free trainer sessions, happy endings, whatever it takes to get people in their doors – knowing full well they’ve got the monthly fee straight from your bank account, regardless of whether you continue to show up. So stick it to them and actually go! And you don’t need to fall for diets that tell you to cut out entire food groups or drink your own urine, just eat healthy and in moderation and you should be pretty good.
Number Two: Quit smoking, drinking, snorting, shooting, blowing, whoring, whatever. Stop doing all the shit that’s bad for you. You shouldn’t need another year to pass you by to know that you should have stopped doing all these stupid things yesterday (as in, gasp, last year).
Number Three: Get organized. Grab a calendar, write down your schedule, extracurriculars (that you’ve resolved to get involved in – see number five), appointments, sporting events, etc. You can even pencil in your new workout regimen.
A 365-day calendar costs about $15 max, your phone has one, they even offer them online (I would imagine), so there is no excuse to miss your next vagina doctor appointment (and really, who would want to?).
Number Four: Volunteer. Donate. Help. That’s a good one, actually (that you didn’t need a need a new year to decide to do, but, better late than never)… don’t let that one slip.
Number Five: Learn something new. Do something new. Go somewhere new. This could be taking on a new hobby, going on a trip, trying a new sport, going green. But you’re obviously relatively lazy and unmotivated, seeing as you waited this long in the first place, so good luck, deep-sea diver wannabe.
Number Six: Fix your finances – manage debt and save for real. Pay off credit cards. Ha ha. Okay.
Number Seven: Spend more time with loved ones. The fact that you need a new year to decide this makes you sound like a douchey jerk face. Maybe your family’s better off without you…
Number Eight: Go back to school. Get a better job. Get a real job. Put your degree to actual use. I’m with you on this one… but I’ve been working on it for a while.
Number Nine: Make the most of life! This one pretty much sums up everything else. To quote Will Smith (one of my favorites) as “Hitch” (not really one of my favorites, but still pretty good), “Wake up every day as if it were on purpose” (or something like that). Makes sense, so do it already!